I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
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My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.