[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.