mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”