IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework