#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.