I think this should do it.
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
the icebreaker
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
That was easy.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.