you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Worlds greatest photobomb
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.