“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.