If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
You Might Also Like
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB