Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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Finally, an explanation.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
one of
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
🙂🐾
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is