try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
January has been Januweary
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm