Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.