I put the mess in domestic.
You Might Also Like
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
adding to the discourse
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-