Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two