[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
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I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.