My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
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If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
All is fair in drunk and war.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?