I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!