When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
White parent Vs Arab parents
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics