me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
one of
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
the three genders
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
#dnd #ttrpg
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?