My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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gentlemen, hear me out
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince