Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
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I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Every time.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.