Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
True.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will