My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
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Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Effort made
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.