How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken