I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
A little too much information.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.