Girl, same.
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All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.