I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
relationship goals
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS