Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?