Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes