Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
You Might Also Like
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”