Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.