*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
LOL!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
For the ones in the back.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.