Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.