Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”