I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
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I can also cook 😂
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters