In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
It be like that sometimes 😆
@ candidates for local office
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano