I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
never compromise your values
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.