I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Cake safety first. Always.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing