It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Monday
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler