My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
#SaturdayBears
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.