the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.