When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You Might Also Like
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
When can I start eating bats again.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Me :
All Day At Night
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.