The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.