A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
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Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”