Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
classic mixup
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?