Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
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I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I think I’ll stand
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!