I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
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Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
best review i’ve ever seen
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair