[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Air conditioning – not a fan
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.