me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Seas the day!!!!
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
mom had nothing to worry about
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol