Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?